It’s 2 am right now and I just can’t stop thinking about my future. Although I’m taking HR I’m still not pretty sure what I am going to do with my life. Sometimes I think it’s better if I find the right guy sooner, get married and have kids BUT I’m scared. I’m scared coz deep down I know I’m not ready yet. Heck I’m not even ready yet to have a full time job. Some people I see are doing a great job at this adulting thing, but me? To tell you the truth, I’m lost. My parents tell me I’ll be successful someday, but what if I won’t be successful? I got a lot of doubts in my life even though I have plans. I plan to take a job later on after I graduate finally but I’m scared I may not take the heat. I mean, how can I do it if I’m scared of people? I’m an introvert you see and it’s been difficult for me to function since I’ve become that. My depression is of no help as well. I really try so hard to go out of my shell and find a place where I belong but I fail.
I’m afraid of failure. I don’t want to experience it again. I’m afraid of letting my parents down again. But what if it happens? I just got to deal with it I guess. I said I have plans, like maybe going out on my own when I reach my 30s, but that’s going to be a long time. I guess it’ll have to be that long, since I’m a late bloomer. I don’t mean to be, it’s just that I’m scared all the time. I have this trauma, this scar since I had my devastation and it broke my heart and confidence. To tell you the truth I’m not the same as I was before, so full of enthusiasm. Everything’s different now.
But I think that’s okay.
Maybe I’m not meant to know if I make it or not. And that’s what makes the journey thrilling I guess – the journey to finding what you’re really meant to do in life. I’m maybe a little behind than most of my peers but I am getting there. I’m still striving, doing my best at my own pace. Time heals. I just have to have faith in God and ask Him for His wisdom as to what I should do with my life. It’s true that even if you’re alive, you’ll feel like you’re dead if you don’t have a purpose in life. I just have to remind myself every single day that I am living for Him and not for myself.