Things I Have Never Told You: X

X

Dear X,

How are you? It’s been a while eh. I wonder how you’re doing right now. I hope you’re fine. I could easily ask you straight on but to be honest I can’t find muster the courage to talk to you normally even after all these years.  I know it’s near the end of the love month but I don’t know why I just have these feelings of love reminiscing through my mind the past couple of days. It’s supposed to end on Valentine’s Day itself right – the “Love Fever”? But why do I keep on having these giddy feelings for you even after the hype has been finished?

I’m fine, if you’re wondering. If ever you are wondering, though I hope so. I could never really tell if I’m fine generally or specifically when I comes to you. I have to tell you the truth, you have been in my mind for a while now. Ever since I realized how much I missed you, I think about you every single day – our memories, reasons, and future plans – it all just came crashing down on me one day and I couldn’t contain myself.

I couldn’t get over the fact that you were my greatest regret.

I’m sure you know how I’m the type of person who never regrets anything. I mean, we’ve been together as friends for a long time now. I’ve always been careful of my decisions and usually I don’t bother to revisit the past anymore if I move forward in life.

But why does my heart keep calling back to you?

Maybe it’s because you’ve given me so much to remember. And usually it has been good times and good times only when we were together. You were and still are the needle in the haystack of all the guys I have been with. I always keep searching you in them. I know it’s unfair to them but I can’t help it. Every time I meet a guy, there has been no one who could ever make my heart race and make time stop like in the movies.

Life isn’t like the movies, but when I was with you every moment felt like we were in a fairytale.

Yes it’s all compliments. Why? Because you were the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I wonder what would’ve happened if I held on, if I didn’t let jealousy and insecurity get the best of me. If I could just turn back time, I would have stopped myself from hurting you. But it’s all too late now. It’s been just too long. “What” and “If” are just words but when you put them together it could give you a heartache you can’t imagine. I wonder, what if we were still together? Would I have loved you this long? I tell myself I’m single for 8 years and counting but I never really told anyone why I wanted to be single.

I just wanted to be single for you.

I never told you, but I was falling in love with you… over and over and over again. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I never truly believed in those sayings until I experienced it. I could easily find another guy I like but I never liked anyone as much as I liked you. I have never loved anyone as much as I loved you. I tell myself if I ever see you again, I wouldn’t want to see you again. It’s better for me to hide from you and love you from this far than be close to you and end up hurting again. It’s hopeless, I know. But as all hopeless romantics are, it’s what keeps them – me – alive.

So to you, X, even if you don’t see this, I really hope you’re doing fine. I wish you the best of the best because you are the best. And if you do get to read this, just know that you are loved by someone and is everything a certain person has been searching for.

Thank you for your existence.

Love,

Math

 

 

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